A Secret Cause & Cure For Social Anxiety

Hi, I read this article with great interest. I too have that feeling of being an outsider all through my life, especially when surrounded by people, who I perceive as all being so much better than me.

I have a question though. Does CEN create more fear in adulthood?

For instance, I feel almost constant anxiety, fear and worry when my pet is sick. I can’t sleep or eat properly, and I just always think and think, and worry. In normal people, I don’t think they feel this level of anxiety. I’ve booked a vet appointment, but this experience has made me wonder why I’m so abnormal. I wish to feel like a secure adult who can tackle issues in life instead of feeling like a wreck.

Can anyone else relate?

Thanks !

Thank you, this explains a lot about who I am and why I am this way. The pandemic has been blissful in many ways due to the lack of social interaction but I know I am capable of overcoming my fatal flaw.

Thank you dr. Jonice Webb for all your insipring, motivating, supporting expertises, professional articles, and realcases helping transforming the awarnes . I experience much anxiety you help me to find out the sense of it. Now I know it is a ground anxiety. Your words the sense is not reality .. are just feelings. I like this affirmation I am worthy and I matter it gives so much power.I appreciate.

I feel that way with my husband. I’ve always felt that way in public but now my husband who was a mama‘s boy now tells me I’m too domineering into controlling. I suffered emotional neglect from both parents and then physical abuse from a stepparent and two uncles and stepbrother along with sexual abuse. I’ve never felt so out of place in my life because I don’t understand why my husband ignores me not come close to me he only kisses me good night. There’s been nothing between us for over 10 years probably 15 years other than being roommates and it feels like being with my dad all over again. It just stresses me out and I financially can’t afford to leave him.

I have a very difficult time in social gatherings. When I’m there I see everyone chatting, laughing, caring on interesting conversations. I ask myself why can’t I do that?
When I do have a conversation with someone I can’t look at them in the eye or carry a conversation for very long. I feel social anxiety kicking in. I feel like going home soon after I arrive.
I am 58 years old and I still cannot seem to overcome this.

These articles, including this one, that you have written, feel like they have been written specifically for me, except what was done to me was intentional! My mother hated me and was jealous of me recieving more attention and affection from our family members than and was afraid she would be denied their affection now that I was her. She hated my deceased father, always telling me how bad he was, how ugly, etc. and than go on to tell me how I was just like him! She would state that I acted and looked just like him. WOW, that made me feel special. She started telling everyone in our family that I was a liar and not to believe anything i said, so she could continually, mentally and physically abuse me with no one to interfere or judge her, all the while, I was a little liar, an idiot, fool, dummy, stupid, etc. etc. etc. Almost everyone in my whole entire family started teasing me, calling me these names as well, and I was disrespected and belittled every chance they got. I hid myself away from everyone, there was never a happy moment in my childhood. The Blab, Buddha, Big bird, the list goes on with the insults I endured from my mother and step-father right up until NOW!!! 48 years old and I am done having my life, my self respect, self esteem, self awareness taken from me because I just dont matter. What a horrendous traumatic experience my psychiatrist stated after a 2 hour session trying to tell her everything that I have experienced throughout my childhood right up until now. Being abandoned by my own mother for 3 years with my aunt. After I had been kidnapped by my father for a year. My wonderful mother was too busy partying with her friends to be bothered taking any initiative to be a mother, ignored, belittled and made to feel I was worthless everyday has left its mark. Internal scars that have never healed properly! But now after suppressing everything my whole life, all of the hurt, mistreatment, lies, and deciept from my own family, who claim to love me, cannot sustain being hidden any longer.
I have awakened and now I am ready to heal from all of the wrongs done to me throughout my life. I have had enough! I always knew the way I was treated wasnt right, but every time I tried to confront the abuser(s) it would end in my humiliation. I was crazy, making things up, stop causing problems, get over it, its not a bid deal. OR I would be threatened, they would outcast me from my family, noone would believe me and noone would have anything to do with me if I didnt stop causing problems for them. I was an embarrassment, a loser, I would never amount to anything. The list goes on and on and on!!! The older I became the worse the words used on my became. They graduated to say things knowing full well how upset the words would make me, smirking and enjoying the effect she had upon me. MY MOTHER!
I have decided to remove myself from these toxic people and I have started feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders which always felt heavy. I cry alot for the little girl that never really got to be a little girl. I am learning how to take care of her and accept the past the way it is and try to move forward in a positive and productive way!
Thank you for these articles, they put alot of perspective on understaning why and once we are aware of why we actually feel like this, it makes it a little easier to start the healing process. Good luck everyone, and please be kind to yourself, you deserve it!

Hi Folks,

I completely relate to everything everyone’s said about the “Fatal Flaw”, however I prefer to embrace it and think of it as a “Superpower”. Being able to distance oneself from emotional turmoil can sometimes be a huge benefit, especially when others are losing their heads. I have a tendency to force my feelings into logic–to try to make sense of what is really going on–fundamentally, so I know whether to “fight”, “flee” or “freeze”. This action is automatic and helps me to assess danger in a nano-second (what I had to learn to do as a child), however the behaviour isn’t always welcome or necessary, especially in social situations. When I pay attention to what my “logic” says to me about discomfort in social environments, among other things I eventually come around to remembering that everyone, everywhere has a “flaw” of some kind or other. While I’m busy keeping mine hidden, others are probably busy trying to make sure their’s doesn’t show either.

To deal with the discomfort I feel in social situations I try to be 1) realistic when assessing the actual risk of danger in the situation I’m in (no catastrophising), 2) forgiving about the anxiety I am feeling (understanding that it’s amplified in my case through no fault of my own, and that I have the power to “dial it down”), 3) willing to try to treat others the way I would like to be treated in that moment (with kindness, respect and no judgement). Focussing on aspects of the situation I can control helps me to curb my feelings of powerlessness. True, this seems artificial and may lead me to feel like I’m “acting”, but so what? It helps me cope with my anxious feelings while interacting with others. Before I know it, the event is over, I realize I’ve survived it and have to admit it really wasn’t so bad. You can do a lot worse than leaving the impression with others that you are a kind, respectful, non-judgemental person. Think of it as a muscle that needs to be exercised and social events provide an opportunity to practice. Before you know it, it becomes a habit.

p.s. For an added “security blanket”, before an event, I try to find 3 or 4 topics of conversation I can turn to if needed (vacation plans, current events, a particular interest, how I happen to know the host/hostess, etc.). Having a stock of subjects reduces awkward pauses and asking open-ended questions gets others talking about themselves–which most people (even some of us CENs) really enjoy doing!

I can go out & meet people though I am anxious I will be disliked. I find it hard to ‘read’ peoples emotions because I am emotionally numb. I have tried to reconnect like you said in your book but I get nowhere. What can I do?

In all my life I’ve been unconsciously thinking that the less people know about me the less they can harm/judge/make fun of me. But now I think that this might even qualify as a fatal flaw. It has surely killed intimacy and social interactions. Choosing the right time and degree of exposure to vulnerability is tricky thing to learn late in life.

when I was younger I diagnosed myself with a whole myriad of disparate neuroses, but I can now see they most likely stem from CEN. Social anxiety was one of my biggest. When I was in middle and high school I would have rather died than give a presentation. I would plan a sentence like “how was your summer?” and not be able to open my mouth for weeks until it was awkward to ask about summer. My hands would shake and tremble and I felt as though every eye was judging me. My dad would constantly criticize and compare me to people (even made up people) and I realize now that is where my insecurity comes from. I overcompensated to feel confident. I tried to be the best at everything and actually rose to the top of most subjects and activities I tried, but it didn’t help. Like other people have commented, social comfort seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now, I only care about the opinion of myself first, my true friends and family members I value. I also realized that I shouldn’t judge others, because they might be struggling with something I don’t know about. I grew into being an introvert and that’s great, I love my company! My FOMO is gone too. I purposely picked non-judgmental friends and I feel comfortable being myself around them, which has given me more confidence. (They also know to ask me to go out twice because my first inclination is to still say ‘no’.)

For about 5 years I tried to say ‘yes’ to going out to a social situation with anyone who asked me and I also somehow ended up dating a very outgoing girl who was surrounded by healthy people. I think it is easy for CEN people to surround themselves or attract needy or narcissistic people, which further reinforces a dislike for others and social anxiety. I feel super fortunate to have had the experiences and friends I do because it has forced me to see myself as valuable. I think many CEN people are intuitive, empathetic, and people-pleasing (nice), which are great attributes when used on the right people. Force yourself to get out in as many different situations as possible and keep doing it. Eventually your anxiety will just get tired and there will be no more evidence to counter your positivity. It surprises me all the time how much I have changed in this regard.

TLDR: I used to be basically mute and terrified in company of others. Now, IDGAF and I love my friends and go out when I want.

As one with CEN, I struggle to know what I’m even feeling as well as the somatic aspect of feelings and emotions. After a fat 25 yrs of individual therapy with excellent therapists, many books read, and, on-going Spiritual journey, I continue to feel odd and ‘different’. I believe that my husband also has a double whammy of CEN and undiagnosed ADD. Jonice when you talk about being unaware, this man takes the cake which is why I can’t do #3. My closest person is so emotionally crippled that he can’t see or support me in my CEN deepest places. We have done a lot of marriage counseling to no avail. I fantasize that an Adult ADD diagnosis and treatment (medication?) could kick start a breakthrough. Wonder what experience you may have working with people like us both individually and as a couple?

I’m in my 60’s and have felt like an outsider my whole life. I have siblings that feel the same. I dread social gatherings. At this point I realize that I just don’t enjoy the company of most people. It is beyond social anxiety at this point in my life. I’ve learned to fake my way through social situations but most times I can’t wait to get away.

This is so helpful. Thank you!

Hello Jonice,
I’m writing to let you know how the term “fatal flaw” makes me feel. Naming it a “fatal flaw” validates that there is “something wrong with me” and that it is futile to try to overcome this feeling of being “less than”. Intellectually, I know there is nothing wrong with me nor with others who suffer from CEN. It just seems to me that naming it as such, gives it power. It’s like saying, “Oh yeah. That’s what’s wrong with me. I have a fatal flaw. And it’s fatal, which means there’s nothing I can do about it.” Kind of like labeling one for life. Maybe calling it “The PERCEIVED Fatal Flaw” would be a better alternative. It would take the sting and the power out of it and make it feel as if it were surmountable. Give it a try. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.

Sheryl

I have used the 4th way – preparing before a social gathering – and found it very effective.

I can definitely relate to Donald, and I am also the guy who “works” during a conference to kill time until the next presentation – usually just cleaning up my e-mail inbox. While I don’t enjoy big social gatherings, I am usually OK for the first couple hours, but as the night wears on my desire to “get out of here” builds exponentially. My unease turns into discomfort, which turns into unhappiness, which turns into being cranky. Unfortunately, my wife is the opposite, and she gets swept up in the momentum of the gathering, so when we finally do leave, I am agitated but relieved, and she is just agitated. I’ll take the fact that I am aware of this as a first step forward.

I am fine when I meet strangers but feel terrible when I have to talk to them after that. I dont seem to find anyone else who has this. Most have problems with strangers.

I would love sometime for you to address those who suffered CEN but went in another direction-being overwhelmed by the feelings they were told not to experience.

I have found that once I get to the event I am able to overcome my anxiety. I do enjoy groups of people now, however when it is over I cannot get certain conversations out of my head where I perceive that I may have said something that was not well received. This happened 9 months ago and I am still burdened by this thought.

Wish I would have known this sooner! I’d like to add that social anxiety can also create a self-affirming downward spiral. I’m anxious–> I behave anxiously–> others can tell–> they act anxious around me–> I read this as disapproval–> I shrink up, record it as a negative experience, and set myself up for an even more anxious future. This goes on until I just don’t go anywhere anymore — and has affected my jobs, marriage, children, ability to have fun… Thanks Jonice for the article. Love your book, too.

I get this feeling very strongly and remind myself it is only a feeling based on a flawed perception. We want to trust our feelings, but truthfully, feelings can be very misleading. Just look at anyone with an extreme phobia! Their problem is completely in their own head. I flood myself with a strong imaging of how it feels to be included, to fit in, to securely know what is going on and magically, I am experiencing it more and more. When I don’t, I take a moment to recapture that security and continue. It’s exciting to overcome something that has been an obstacle for too long.

All of this is pertinent and accurate but it too, is out of reach. The awareness of my shortcomings panics me and none of your methods can be used. Remedies are buried in fear….